How To Hold An Umbrella


It should be mandatory that every umbrella sold comes with a user manual. This manual shouldn’t be for how to use the brolly when it’s raining, as the person who can’t operate a brolly when it’s raining shouldn’t be allowed out the house – but rather, how to carry it when not in use.

This mainly applies to longer umbrellas but should be a note of caution to all. Due to the number of people who carry them horizontally rather than opting for the safe vertical option, walking behind one such “H-Carrier” can easily trigger memories of the Zulu warriors attacking the fortified mission at Rorke’s Drift and being met with a huge bayonet and quite possibly, a rendition of Men Of Harlech. The spike at the end of a long umbrella can genuinely cause harm especially if the carrier is walking quickly. I don’t even want to speculate what the carnage would be like should they spring into a jog.

I’m ashamed to say I once ‘h-carried” myself outside a railway station en route to a wedding reception in Streatham, south London but really, the geography is inconsequential. That’s how tricky it can be though. One can be aware of the problem, speak about it, write about it, yet still complicit in its growth. The manual can’t be published quick enough for all our sakes, online, in print and for the poor height deficient unfortunates already poked in the eye, brail.

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